Raising Resilient Kids
Kids need to learn to deal with failure, disappointment, and rejection because these are normal emotions that they will experience on their journey to adulthood.
Welcome to the 58th post of The Aim and Soar Life, a weekly newsletter about faith, personal growth, and lifestyle that provides actionable, relatable, and biblically rooted content to help you live abundantly and GROW YOU. GOD’S WAY.
Greetings!
Another week is upon us, and I plan to enjoy it, expecting great things from God.
I’ve been talking about resilience this month, and as an educator and therapist I’ve found that although resilience is a necessary skill, a lot of kids, teens, and young adults lack it.
Participation trophies are ruining society. That’s my opinion, and “I’m gon’ stick beside it!”😂
I first noticed the participation trophy trend when my son was in elementary or middle school. If you are unaware of participation trophies, they are trophies given to kids when they play certain sports or are involved in other competitive activities and don’t win the championship game or tournament.
Now some might feel that giving a losing team or person a trophy for their participation is a great gesture, because who wants to hurt the feelings of a seven-year-old whose team just lost a game?
I do.
I want their little feelings to be hurt. Yup.😂
No, I’m not some crazed person who doesn’t like kids, but I do think we coddle them too much and when they are met with challenges in the present or later in their lives, they become overwhelmed and don’t know how to handle them.
Kids need to learn to deal with failure, disappointment, and rejection because these are normal emotions that they will experience on their journey to adulthood.
The biggest lie that we tell kids is, “If you try hard enough…”
Well, I’m here to tell you if you haven’t experienced it for yourself yet, sometimes your best isn’t good enough. There will be times when a person will put their whole heart into something, and the outcome may not be what they hoped.
If you want to raise resilient kids, there are a few things they need:
1. Kids Need Room to Fail
First, let’s throw all the participation trophies out the window! LOL.😂
Trophies go to winners.
Talk to your kids about failure—not winning. There will come a time when they don’t make the team they tried out for, or don’t get accepted into the college of their choice.
That’s life.
We must be intentional about preparing our kids for disappointing situations while they are young so that they are well-adjusted and properly trained to deal with disappointment as they age.
Let your kids know that it’s okay if they don’t win, and it’s okay if they flat-out fail at something.
The experience of failure lets kids know two things: one, life isn’t going to go their way all the time, and two, they must learn to live with that fact.
One of the things my mother used to always ask me when I was disappointed about not getting a grade I wanted or didn’t make a team was, “Did you do your best?” Of course, I would say “yes,” and in return, she would say, “That’s all I ask of you, for you to do your best.”
She let me know that she was proud of me for doing my best and that there would be other opportunities in the future.
I learned that I didn’t have to be a straight-A student or top athlete, I only had to do my best. I learned to take failure “on the chin,” and be okay with it—never complacent, but resilient.
Approaching disappointment this way teaches kids integrity and grit and helps to build and reinforce their resilience. Most importantly, kids learn that in the midst of what feels like a failure, there are many things to celebrate during a failure, like:
Getting better at something
Meeting new friends
Getting over a fear
Learning something new
Trying to “shield” kids from disappointment is unrealistic.
Resilience comes with exposure to the tough things in life, and the ability to learn and grow from their experiences.
2. Kids Need to Learn Humility
When kids learn how to “lose” they become better winners. When they come to understand that sometimes all their hard work can still earn them a loss, they will win with humility.
Kids and teens who have learned to lose graciously are more compassionate when others lose because they understand the pain of giving something their all and still coming up short.
“The world doesn’t revolve around you.” This is one of my mother’s most memorable quotes.
This quote reminds me that someone else will get the spotlight sometimes.
Kids need to know and understand that they won’t be applauded all the time. Others will get “shine” time. There will always be someone out there better than them at something.
Learning to be humble and to accept and appreciate someone else’s talent or giftedness builds character and is fertile ground for developing resilience.
Resilience and humility are developed when kids learn how to celebrate the accomplishments of others when they themselves may be experiencing a loss.
3. Kids Need to Know They Can Do Hard Things
“When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” This familiar phrase means that when things get hard, you have to get to work figuring it out. You have to be more determined. Giving up isn’t an option.
Teaching kids to have grit (a determined spirit in the face of adversity) helps them to become more confident.
They shouldn’t be allowed to quit when things don’t go their way. For kids, learning to do hard things boils down to three things:
Keeping their word and/or commitments
Thinking beyond themselves
Sharing what they have learned from adversity.
Kids must be taught to honor their word and commitments to others.
If they are in a club or on a team, they need to know that they must think about others in the club or on the team when making decisions and also understand how their behavior and attitude affect their peers.
Support your kids when they take on difficult tasks. Let them know that they are capable of doing hard things.
When my son was young, he had to learn to live between two different households (mine and his dad’s) with two sets of rules. He had to remember what to bring, not to leave his books, and to do his homework even when I wasn’t there to tell him.
I supported him by observing what he needed help with (for him, it was organization) and then showing him how to better organize his book bag so that he wouldn’t be discombobulated when it was time to go to his dad’s house and then to school.
I reminded him that this was our life. And no, it wasn’t ideal. But it was our life. I told him we would figure everything out together.
I taught him that Jesus loves him and is with him, and I showed him love and encouragement.
We made it through.
It wasn’t perfect, but he developed resilience for the hard things in life.
The Bible tells us how to raise our kids— in the fear and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). That’s their foundation.
Let your kids know that they are to be strong and courageous because God said so. Tell them that God is with them through it all. Resilience begins with our relationship with God.
Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.Proverbs 22:6, NKJV
Until Next Time,
GROW YOU. GOD’S WAY.
Sherrhonda 😍
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