The Outcome of Any Relationship is Determined by One Thing:
The Difference Between Being Valued vs. Being Wanted
Welcome to the 16th issue of The Aim and Soar Life, a weekly Christian personal growth and lifestyle newsletter that provides actionable, relatable, biblically rooted content to help you live abundantly and GROW YOU. GOD’S WAY.
Happy Father’s Day and Happy Juneteenth!
I was speaking with one of my mentees this past week, and I reminded her to know and understand her worth. Simply knowing one’s worth can eliminate a lot of heartbreak when it comes to male and female relationships, and it is true for all other types of relationships as well.
Too many times young women (and young men) stay in relationships that are emotionally toxic and unproductive because they don’t understand their worth. God wants us to be emotionally and spiritually whole! Remaining in a situation that prevents you from being whole is a red flag and an immediate cause to cut your losses. Don’t just walk away. Run. Fast as you can.
DO YOU KNOW WHOSE YOU ARE?
When I was younger, (in my 30s) I once had a heart-to-heart with one of my mentors about a dating relationship that frequently left me feeling confused and rejected (i.e. one minute the brother was acting like he had some sense, and the next minute he wasn’t🤬). I was on a seesaw dealing with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One minute I was on the winning team; the next, I was benched for the season. His commitment level flip-flopped like a dolphin at Sea World.
My mentor (bless her heart) kindly allowed me to dump my pain and frustration in her lap. Then she simply asked me a question. And if you know any good life coaches or good therapists, you know that the best ones know how to ask good questions! Can’t you just hear Diana Ross singing… “Do you know where you going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you?”
“Is he God’s best for you?”
That’s it. That’s all she asked. And she didn’t stand there and wait for me to answer; she wanted me to think about it. She wanted to remind me that I am a daughter of the King and that I can’t date just anyone, that I’m entitled—by virtue of whose I am—to good love.
To this day, I ask myself the same question whenever I’m evaluating a relationship, whether it’s a job, a dating situation, or a membership in an organization, I assess it to determine if I’m being valued or not.
I haven’t always been honest with myself (but that’s a whole other post😂). The point of the question is to remind me whose I am.
My mentor was asking me to assess whether the brother (who shall remain nameless in order to protect the guilty😂) valued me or simply wanted to be bothered with me when it was convenient for him.
I ask my coaching clients and mentees the same question: “Is (fill in the blank) God’s best for you?”
It is possible for someone who values you to also want you, but it is not possible for someone who solely wants you for some superficial benefit, to value you.
ARE YOU VALUED OR ONLY WANTED?
The Oxford Dictionary defines the word want as having the desire to possess or do something. Wanting someone/something means to desire what the person or thing has to offer, it can be self-serving, solely benefitting the one who wants, if it is not coupled with valuing the person.
For example, a company may want employees to perform certain tasks to earn profits for the company, but the company may not value the workers enough to ensure safe working conditions, or to provide appropriate health benefits.
In a relationship, someone may want to be with you for a particular reason, it may be out of boredom, loneliness, or convenience. It’s self-serving. They may want to spend time with you because you provide some superficial benefit to them at the time. It’s not about you, it’s about them.
Value is defined by Oxford as considering something or someone to be important or beneficial.
Valuing someone is not a self-centered act, but one of self-sacrifice. When someone values you, you are important to them. You are a priority. It’s demonstrated in their actions, not in the emptiness of mere words or promises. Someone who values you will demonstrate self-sacrifice and will delay his or her needs, wants, and gratification to ensure your good. Jesus is a perfect example. He values us so much that He gave His life for us.
Now, most people wouldn’t expect a date to jump in front of a moving car to protect them, but I bet most people would expect their spouses to protect them with their lives. Sacrificially.
You should not even consider someone of the opposite sex as a life-long partner if they do not demonstrate that they value you while you are in a dating relationship with him or her.
It’s better to wait for God to send you a person or a situation where you can clearly see that you are valued than to settle for something far less than what God wants to provide for you.
Know your worth.😘😘😘
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Until Next Time,
GROW YOU. GOD’S WAY.